Moments tick by as I cry out to the Lord. The room is dark as post-midnight hours waltz across the night. Soon morning will come: with it, will there be answers? Or simply more questions?
I have an amazing life, on the one hand. First and foremost, God saved me when I didn’t deserve to be saved; nothing can compare to the blessings of His grace. But there’s more: I am the mother of nine of the most wonderfully beautifully amazing children ever. And I’m here, still doing, still living, when doctors never believed I would be. I am blessed to be a homemaker and to be able to take care of my family. I enjoy endlessly trying out new recipes on my family–I love to cook, they love to eat, so it works. I homeschool my children so I have the great blessing of watching them grow up and watching them grow in grace, in truth, and in knowledge. I love truth and I love words so I write with a passion to combine the two. I have co-authored a book, and have been blessed to see that its impact on others has been a good one. I rescue animals and collect strays and I’ll keep on doing that as long as I can. Dogs and cats just make me happy. I’m blessed in so many ways. I really and truly am.
On the other hand, there’s the rest of the story, the parts few know about, parts from my childhood, torn from my parent’s choices, broken into pieces by my own bad decisions and those of others around me. There’s the painful rotting brokenness that just keeps getting more broken with each passing moment. Things I have no control over but nonetheless impacts me. Things that daily breaks my heart. Things that have forever changed who I am, who my family is, and what’s in store for us. Things that only God can change. Roman 8: 28 things. Sometimes I pull out a part and share it, but then I always feel the need to pull it back in and tuck it away. Such ugliness shouldn’t be seen–at least, that’s how it feels. But I’m compelled to share these things, at least in part. There’s so many lessons to be garnered from the pain. When the Gospel shines through the broken places, the beauty is beyond breathtaking. God’s grace, poured into the brokenness, never fails to bring me to tears.
So the questions continue but I’m crying out to God, day and night, day after day, night after night, seeking the answers. How do I proceed? How do I process such blessings when they are intricately tied together with such pain? How do I know what to share, what not to? How do I most honor the Lord for His mercy towards me?
Romans 8: 28 is one of my favorite verses. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
I’m counting on that. Meanwhile, I’m still calling out for answers.