We’re moving in less than a month because of husband’s job change. So many things have gone wrong, so many needs and money is so short. How am I supposed to find a house, fix the van or pay for a move with no money? I read once that when we reach the end of ourselves and there is no one to turn to, no one to help, that that is the most blessed place of all. We are there now. If God doesn’t act, it won’t be done. If God doesn’t provide for our needs, we won’t be able to do anything for ourselves. For so long life has been caving in upon itself. We’re left in a dark place, alone, tired and broke. Are we broken into misery and distrust? Or, are we being broken into beautiful? Oh, Lord, provide–not just for our financial needs but for our soul-deep needs. Make us beautiful in Your time. ~ Journal entry
Christ, who is our life, …. Colossians 3: 4
I have three young children. A Mom of nine, I’ve watched six grow to adulthood or nearly so. The younger ones have lived their lives in the fires of poverty. Something happened, nearly a decade ago, that sent us down a slippery slope from which we’ve not recovered. I want to fix it but there are things that are out of my hands. There are things others must do. Things I cannot do. Even when I try, and I have so many times, it seems as if my efforts are blocked. I feel helpless. I just want to take care of my family, feed them, clothe them. And now there’s this move that must be paid for. How, Lord? I am afraid that I sometimes doubt the Lord. I want to trust Him fully.
If we love our Savior, we will embrace whatever it takes to make us more like Him. Even ask for it. Maybe my prayers for purification led us to this place. Maybe it is something else. I want to embrace the trials that form His image in me. I pray to do that. God has a reason for letting us endure. But I am so worn out. I am tired of seeing my children do without. I am weary of battling on alone. And I am so tired of facing mountains with no earthly way to climb them.
I know that God is good. Even though I cannot see a way out, He remains good. I do not mean to doubt Him. I know that if He desires for us to find a way out or through, He will provide the way. But, though I believe that, our problems, our need, is still very real. I still must find a way to pay for that which I can see no way to afford. I still have children to take care of. I still….
Is that not doubt? God, forgive me.
Job 1: 20-21, Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.
I want that kind of faith. I need that kind of faith. Our family has lost so much these last many years. Sometimes it feels as if I cannot bear to lose anything, or anyone, more. What does that say of me? The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away…. If He desires to take away everything but Himself, should I not be content?
If all turn away from me shouldn’t God be enough?
If I feel as if I cannot endure, won’t God be my strength?
If God does not provide for us, shall I not praise Him?
If nothing improves, if all goes wrong, if tomorrow is the same as today, the same as thousands of days before, what have I to fear?
Christ, who is our life,… Colossians 3: 4
He alone is everything.
He alone is enough.
He alone is my reason for getting up, for trusting, for trying again.
He is yours too. And if He is not, He ought to be. For He is enough.
He is our life.
Christ, who is our life,….Colossians 3: 4