(This is not my normal type of post; however, since I know many women who are in an emotionally abusive marriage, I post this in tribute to them. You know who you are, my friends, and I love you.)
She prays for sweet freedom every day.
When he hurls stones,
she deflects them with silence.
When he soaks her in his poison,
she prays it will not seep into her soul…
for she knows she is better than this.
She gives until she is spent.
She loves until she is depleted.
She used to sing like an angel,
but her voice has been stilled.
She used to laugh with abandon,
but she is scared to feel joy,
for it is so very fleeting.
She cringes at the sound of his coming.
Tears fill her eyes,
for she knows that no matter how she tries,
she will not be good enough
or pretty enough
or smart enough
for the one who thinks he is perfect.
She puts up her invisible wall,
and he wonders why.
She cries rivers of tears,
and he steps over them,
afraid of getting his feet wet.
Sometimes she prays
for his demise,
and at the same time
prays for her soul,
lost in wicked imaginings.
Sometimes she prays
to disappear.
Finally she would be free.
If you find this post excessively grim, you may count yourself blessed that you have never felt this way. It IS grim, but it is also very real to more people than you may imagine. It is also reality to abused men and abused children. There are multitudes, of all ages and at all stations of life, who suffer such abuse in mind, emotions and body, as to press them to similar extremes of thought and prayer.
If you do NOT suffer thusly, give thanks to God often for deliverance from such a life. And pray for those whose lot it is to endure abuse. God is sovereign in all the affairs of people’s lives, and these conditions are not without redeeming value, no matter how thoroughly that concept eludes our finite minds.
If you DO suffer abuse in any form, know that such a prayer as this is not the end of the matter, but occurs along the way to your fulfillment. You are not beyond the Lord’s care, no matter how gruesome your situation seems to be. Trust in God; cast your cares upon Jesus Christ– actively through telling Him your complaints or, if need be, passively by simply crying in His presence. He hears and He knows; He sees and He cares.
Do not say to me, “But why…” Say it TO HIM! Engage Him, for He has spared Himself no pain to engage you, but lived His life, and surrendered it that all who trust in Him may be His fellow heirs of glory, not only in this life but forever. Your salvation is at hand. Look to Jesus Christ, the King of glory and the Lord of all. Seek Him while He may be found; call upon Him while He is near.
Couldn’t have said it better. Thank you very, very much, brother.
Im utterly speachless…That is how ive felt since i was 19…. i am now 38!! and its still how i feel!!
Dear Wendy,
My heart breaks for you. As one who has lived through abuse, I can intimately relate to your heartbreak. God sees and knows your pain and He cares for what you are suffering. He can be trusted. If you need someone to pray specifically or to listen to you confidentially, I am here. Meanwhile, I am praying. ~ Anna